i nevwer had a chance
by BigDaddyAmpora
Summary: the more times i see things like this, in front of my owvn face. the more it becomes so very clear to me...


I never even had a chance.

You look over at them one more time, you had waited until both other them had their backs turned, or wandering attention elsewhere.

You realize how pathetic this is, but hey, most people saw you that way anyway right?

Your milky white optics are greeted by a rather….anguishing sight to you. A bright, exultant, smile on the face of the one troll who rarely does so.

He is Kankri Vantas. He is not a…nasty person, but he is usually so wound up about which one of us is doing something 'triggering' he doesn't have the time to bother with smiling. Or, I mean you guess that's what the reason behind it is.

Anyway, there is a good reason the smile is painful to you. As much time as you have spent around him, as friends…

He has never once shown you that smile, that side of him. But here he is, showing it to her.

She is Porrim Maryam. She is considered middle class by your species cast system, and a drop dead knockout.

You know she has been trying to Kankris' flushed quadrant for a while, but, due to his 'vows' he has always turned her down. Or so he claims.

From where you are currently located, which is on the other side of the not so crowded park, it most certainly looked flushed. They were both laughing and beaming. Chatting away about whatever topic seemed to have their attention at the moment.

You have left your orbs lingering on the pair for some time now, but the focus has mainly shifted to her. There is a lot you perceive immediately.

Slowly, your hand moves to your side. Right now it is hidden away by the fabric of leather and cotton, but when its left visible to the naked eye…the mistakes of your past are left in the open to anyone looking to see.

See, her scars, are artwork on the canvas of her body. They are perceived as beautiful. Yours are perceived as a desperate cry for attention, a lie as some put it.

Your eyes continue to linger on her, her curves….he bright wide smile and perfect, pouty lips. Honestly, that's what she seems to be. Perfection.

But you, no. You are something different. You are a mistake, and always have been. For as many sweeps as you have existed, and continue to exist in this misery plagued eternity, you will always be a mistake.

Swiftly your pale orbs shift downward as you begin to nervously chew the butt of your unlit cancer stick.

"She…, makes ya pretty happy, huh chief."

The words are mumbled in your own thick accent that you are slowly growing to detest. It gets on everyone's nerves so much that it's starting to gnaw on your own.

You shake your head in some imprudent attempt to rid your mind of those senseless thoughts. But just as those thoughts flee, new ones enter.

Even if it's pale…you had never wormed your way into that quadrant, no matter how close he ever claimed you two were. You remind yourself that you have never received a smile like that, a laugh so lite and joy filled.

Meaning that even in the category of friendship, companionship… she was all around better than you. Though, stop and ask any troll and they would tell you anyone is better than you.

A small chuckle slipped past your lips at the thought. You...were starting to believe them. You were a pathetic flirt, with an identity disorder. Who would even want to put up with your bull shit. I mean honestly, you were shocked that Kankri even put up with it for as long as he did. Or tried to defend you in the views of the other trolls.

When your eyes move upwards, you see him with a small candy apple hue to his cheeks. Your cue to leave.

You stand up off the bench you were sitting at and work to straighten your leather jacket, and turn to head away the other direction.

Of course neither of them bother to take notice of you, I mean why would they? They were so very absorbed in whatever conversation was keeping their attention.

That deep seeded sinking feeling in your chest only continued to grow the more you let your think pan wander.

The moment you entered your hive you couldn't help it feeling like a prison, more than your place of rest and comfort. Slowly you make your way to your re-done respite block and take a seat on the human bed that toke the place of your coon.

A few chuckles leave you before a few pale violet tears fill, and sting the corners of your eyes before finally spilling over and slipping down your cheeks.

Your shaking hands find your face where you try to bury it in them for some sort of false comfort.

Your cancer stick had long since fallen to the way side, and right now, you hardly cared.

You are considerably high on the hemospecrum, supposedly a 'catch' to some. But to others, a pathetic pervert who didn't deserve his existence.

Your name is Cronus Ampora, and you realized a painful thing.

You never, even, had a chance.


End file.
